Most people know how to give gifts during the holidays:

1. Purchase a gift.
2. Give it to someone.

But not a lot of people know that there are techniques that exist that can actually increase your gift imports during the holidays. Lucky for those people, I’ve whipped up a quick how-to:

1. Keep in touch with the people that you care about—friends, family, people that you say are your friends, but then again you’re not quite sure if you know them because their profile picture is at too much of an angle, but they look vaguely familiar, and you don’t want to be a jerk, so you add them anyway, etc.
2. Call people at least 2 weeks prior to Christmas—and place follow-up calls at least every other day. This ensures that they will not forget that you’re alive, which makes them feel obligated to purchase you a gift. Why 2 weeks in advance? Shipping can take up to 3-5 business days, especially during the holidays, so you want to give people enough time.
3. Tell them what you want, but in a way that isn’t so obvious. Instead of saying, “I want Dexter Season 1 for Christmas,” mention that you’ve had no trouble figuring out what to get people because you’ve been browsing your friends’ Amazon.com Wish Lists. Tell them that it was so easy to search for peoples’ wish lists through their email address, that you even created your own wish list!
4. Trick them into thinking that you’re getting them a gift. This can be accomplished with a simple phrase such as, “I’m getting you a gift.” Often times, however, you may not want to get that person a gift—you may only want them to get you a gift (some people tell me that this goes against the spirit of Christmas, to which I respond, “shut-up.”) If this is the case, then try the more subtle, “I ended up getting a lot more gifts this year than I thought I would.” And, of course, there’s always the classic, “Someone forgot to give me a Birthday gift this year. Good thing there aren’t any excuses since everyone remembers Christmas!”

If you follow this simple how-to, you’ll be amazed at how many more gifts you receive. Remember, nothing is hard if you trick people.

I’ve written about my unbearable living experience at The Village at Science Drive a few times before. Ever since I published my negative review of The Village at Science Drive on ApartmentRatings.com, I get emails whenever someone publishes a new review. This is one of the few email subscriptions that I actually enjoy receiving since I can read similar terrifying testimonials to my own.

I was reading a new negative review about The Village at Science Drive on Apartment Ratings. Of course the reviewer complained about all the usual: loud neighbors, mentally unstable roommates, and how your car might magically disappear from the parking lot and reappear in a tow truck lot even if you have a parking pass. But he mentioned one anecdote that I never experienced:

I live on the third floor that overlooks a parking lot. My girlfriend and I are hanging out in my apartment when there is a large bang. In the past there have been residents who enjoyed setting off fireworks, at all times of the night mind you, so I look out to see who is doing it. I see a man getting shot [multiple times]…Up until this point I only thought that this kind of crime happened in the pegasus apartments but I guess I was wrong.

A Central Florida News 13 article confirms that this did indeed happen.

And I thought my utility bills were dangerous. WINK.

While visiting my mom for Thanksgiving I decided to go through old boxes of photos and school paperwork. I came across an amazing turkey recipe that I wrote in 3rd grade. This recipe is great because it cuts out all the unnecessary steps. It comes from the untainted mind of a 10 year old me, breaking down exactly what steps you need in order to recreate the best-tasting turkey of your life.

I do ask that you do not email me asking how to perfect the “yummy tummy crummy will not crummy” part of the recipe. This part is luck, most of the time, and absolutely can not be taught.

There are so many people in life that do or say something so incredibly ridiculous that I am forced to stop whatever I’m doing and stare at them blankly. Of course these incredibly ridiculous things are more ridiculous than incredible, and really more stupid than ridiculous or incredible. You might be one of these people.

Not sure if you are one of these people?

Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements that apply to you.

1. I often raise my hand in class when a teacher asks a question. When the teacher calls on me, I answer the question and then proceed to share a detailed experience that relates in no way to the original question or even my answer.
2. I often speak for 5 minutes at a time when I could have spoken for 20 to 30 seconds and relayed the exact same thought.
3. I frequently and inappropriately shout one-liners during class when the teacher or other students say something. People ignore my one-liners and continue speaking as though I wasn’t even there. I’m okay with this.
4. I’m early to class. Too early.
5. Despite some of my more awkward characteristics, I’m actually quite knowledgeable on a range of topics. No one cares.
6. Something about my physical appearance is extremely awkward. But I have complete control over this, e.g., absurd hair, bizarre shoes, I look uncomfortably like Jesus Christ, etc. I’m okay with this.
7. I’m constantly in a good mood, which makes people frequently wonder if I’m mentally unstable is some way.

Let’s take a look at how you did.

Remember, give yourself 1 point for every statement that applies to you.

• 0 points: You’re in the clear.
• 1-8 points: I’m sorry, but you are one of these people.

These people are everywhere.

I knew these people in high school, and I definitely know these people in college. There are 3 of them in my Monday night class. And while I can’t say for sure, I’m willing to bet that these people are in the real world, too. They have monthly meetings where they discuss the most effective ways to blow my mind. There’s no other way to explain how good they are at it.

The experience of first encountering a person like this is always the same.

It begins with them doing or saying something so incredibly ridiculous (stupid) that you are immediately annoyed and feel as though you need to end them (what’s Dexter’s phone number?). Every time they speak you take a deep breath, look down at your desk, and wish the teacher would just ask them to leave because you know they’re just as angry as you are but they don’t have tenure so they can’t say anything because they’re surely not going to be fired over this person are they STILL TALKING?

But after while, their annoyances turn into sheer confusion. Those same comments that once caused you such frustration now make you think, “Is this person real? Are they really saying this? Do they really think they’re… are … I don’t … is this person real?” It’s right about this time when other people have started to notice this person also. By now, you’re comfortable enough to scan the room to see who else is aware of this. Once you find someone else, it’s a quick moment in which you lock eyes, squint slightly, and then smile. This moment is amazing because (A), you’ve released your pent-up anger and confusion with another person and (B), that person is your new best friend because there is no single characteristic that brings two people together more than who annoys them.

It’s at this point that these people are now known by more than just a few people. Everyone knows about them. They’re celebrities. You always refer to them by first and last name. Sometimes you don’t know how to say their last name, but you pronounce it anyway, because it’s not about knowing real details, it’s about being able to identify them to other people so you can share your experiences and laugh hysterically. Often times you’ll encounter new people that are at various points of their own discovery of these people. They’ll ask you, “How can you stand them? They’re incredibly ridiculous.”

This is where you smile and finally realize just how necessary these people are.

Where there was once anger and confusion there is now envy, and possbily even some slight admiration. By now, it’s no longer about whether or not these people are real. At this point, all you can think about it how long it’ll be until you meet the next one.

For those who don’t watch Showtime’s very amazing show Dexter, it’s about a serial killer named Dexter who kills people that meet his strict code (murderers, rapists, etc.) It’s morbid and totally the best ever.

One detail that I love about the show is that every time Dexter murders someone, he wears the same shirt. I call it the kill shirt for obvious reasons, though other websites refer to it as the combat shirt, kill uniform, kill outfit, etc. While there isn’t any official name for it, it looks like this:

This is the shirt that Dexter wears each time he ventures out to kill someone. And that’s Dexter wearing it.

Alternate title for this blog post: What do absentee ballots and the Dexter kill shirt have in common? They’re both in the mail.

That’s right—it’s election day. And yes—I just ordered the Dexter kill shirt. Okay, I admit, I have my own unique priorities in life. Sure, voting is important. But I think owning a kill shirt is equally more important.

I plan on wearing mine only when I’m angry. Eventually, people will notice this and talk about it when I’m not around. “You ever notice that Jesse wears the same shirt when he’s angry?” I realize that this plan may take years for people to catch on. And I’m okay with that.

If you plan on purchasing a kill shirt, don’t be fooled by those loose-fitting knock-offs.

This is a loose-fitting, cheap imitation kill shirt. More importantly, what sort of serial killer would print his name on his sleeve? The type that gets caught and goes to jail. This kill shirt is for amateurs.

The true kill shirt connoisseur will notice how the fitted style accentuates the figure, making it a perfect Halloween costume, conversation piece, or, I suppose, a nice warm shirt during the winter season.

This style of shirt is called a Henley (as opposed to a polo, a t-shirt, etc.) It’s a similar type of material to that of Long Johns thermal wear. For anyone wanting to know where they can order their very own kill shirt, check out this American Apparel Dexter Kill Shirt on Amazon. It’s the closest one that I’ve found. And I’ve spent way more hours searching than necessary or reasonable.

I can’t wait to get it in the mail and yes, I’ll take a picture of me wearing the shirt and use it as my new facebook photo. But only because you asked.

Do you plan on ordering a kill shirt? Leave a comment and let me know that I’ve given you the best Christmas yet.