1. Purchase a gift.
2. Give it to someone.

But not a lot of people know that there are techniques that exist that can actually increase your gift imports during the holidays. Lucky for those people, I’ve whipped up a quick how-to:

1. Keep in touch with the people that you care about—friends, family, people that you say are your friends, but then again you’re not quite sure if you know them because their profile picture is at too much of an angle, but they look vaguely familiar, and you don’t want to be a jerk, so you add them anyway, etc.
2. Call people at least 2 weeks prior to Christmas—and place follow-up calls at least every other day. This ensures that they will not forget that you’re alive, which makes them feel obligated to purchase you a gift. Why 2 weeks in advance? Shipping can take up to 3-5 business days, especially during the holidays, so you want to give people enough time.
3. Tell them what you want, but in a way that isn’t so obvious. Instead of saying, “I want Dexter Season 1 for Christmas,” mention that you’ve had no trouble figuring out what to get people because you’ve been browsing your friends’ Amazon.com Wish Lists. Tell them that it was so easy to search for peoples’ wish lists through their email address, that you even created your own wish list!
4. Trick them into thinking that you’re getting them a gift. This can be accomplished with a simple phrase such as, “I’m getting you a gift.” Often times, however, you may not want to get that person a gift—you may only want them to get you a gift (some people tell me that this goes against the spirit of Christmas, to which I respond, “shut-up.”) If this is the case, then try the more subtle, “I ended up getting a lot more gifts this year than I thought I would.” And, of course, there’s always the classic, “Someone forgot to give me a Birthday gift this year. Good thing there aren’t any excuses since everyone remembers Christmas!”

If you follow this simple how-to, you’ll be amazed at how many more gifts you receive. Remember, nothing is hard if you trick people.

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I was reading a new negative review about The Village at Science Drive on Apartment Ratings. Of course the reviewer complained about all the usual: loud neighbors, mentally unstable roommates, and how your car might magically disappear from the parking lot and reappear in a tow truck lot even if you have a parking pass. But he mentioned one anecdote that I never experienced:

I live on the third floor that overlooks a parking lot. My girlfriend and I are hanging out in my apartment when there is a large bang. In the past there have been residents who enjoyed setting off fireworks, at all times of the night mind you, so I look out to see who is doing it. I see a man getting shot [multiple times]…Up until this point I only thought that this kind of crime happened in the pegasus apartments but I guess I was wrong.

A Central Florida News 13 article confirms that this did indeed happen.

And I thought my utility bills were dangerous. WINK.

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1. They’re stupid.

Email forwards are stupid.

Five years ago, I would now go into a rant about how Little Suzy doesn’t have cancer, Bill Gates will not give you money for forwarding emails to ten people, and how that new computer virus you’re hearing so much about stopped going around 10 years ago. Ironically, most of these rants don’t make sense anymore because those forwards aren’t very popular nowadays. Besides, we all know that the real viruses of today are Facebook applications.

Forwards are very similar to viruses, though, because they evolve and you can’t stop them.

Just because I don’t get those ridiculous email forwards doesn’t mean I have stopped receiving ridiculous email forwards. One type of forward that will never die is the joke forward. It started with the fax machine, I suspect, and became rampant when paper waste was no longer a concern. People today haphazardly forward “hilarious” jokes to friends, relatives, anyone they’ve ever met, etc. Example:

The Goldfish Burial

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Timmy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Timmy patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”

If you found that funny, feel free to stop reading now.

Okay, so I’ve established that email forwards are stupid. But why? It’s a combination of irritations, really. Mostly, I hate wasting time. Reading email forwards is a waste of time because, as illustrated above, they’re usually not funny. How about a different punchline for Timmy’s response—”You really think this hole is big? How small are your toilets?”

Humor is like a batch of dangerous chemicals.

Not everyone knows how to handle a batch. I’m even willing to bet that not everyone knows what a batch is. When I was in pre-school, I used to take puzzle pieces home so the other kids couldn’t complete the puzzles. I though it was hilarious, the other kids didn’t know what the hell was going on, and it cost the school hundreds. Life was good.

While it was my pre-school classmates who taught me that not everyone has sense of humor, it’s the joke email forward that constantly reminds me of that fact. I recently received an email forward entitled:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when…

The first rule of the email forward is poor grammar, irrational font usage, and erratic CAPITALIZATION. And of course, ludicrous colors. The forward contained a list of “15″ indicators that you are living in 2008 just in case you don’t have a calendar. I’ll list each indicator with my thoughts written directly below.

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave..

What must the person writing this have thought? “Let’s kick-start this forward with something that never happens. To anyone. That’ll really get people in the 2008 spirit. And we’ll put two periods at the end of that sentence to show everyone we mean business.” It’s at this point that I’d typically stop reading the forward.

2. You havent played solitaire with real cards in years.

I haven’t played solitaire with any cards in years. Period. Period.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

I just so happen to have a family of 3. Each family member has 1 cell phone, and we have 1 home phone. That’s 4 phones. Oh wait, cancel that. TOTALLY forgot about Uncle “11-Cell-Phones” Larry.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

I think this belongs in the “YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 1998 when…” In fact, many of these things aren’t characteristic of the year 2008, instead they’re characteristic of the fact that we now interact with technology in our everyday lives. Where are all the iPhone and black President references?

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

Wrong. I don’t stay in touch with those friends and family because I don’t want to. I hope they never get an email address. They’d probably send me forwards.

6. You’d rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

There’s a button on the TV that can locate the remote for me? I wish I would have known about this. Just think of all the hours of searching I would have saved.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

I’ve never seen this.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

60 years? People who are 60 don’t know how to use real cell phones. They make Jitterbugs just for this reason:

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

Lists like these are created with the intent to make people read each item and say things like, “That’s so true!” And the items are supposed to be ironic or funny. Not potentially realistic facts. Why not say, “You know you’re living in 2008 when often times you don’t have an alarm clock and you just use your cell phone instead.” That’s just a fact of life. And it’s not really ironic. How about a real ironic fact, like, “You know you’re living in 2008 when janitors have Bluetooth headsets.” I’ve seen it.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

When I did a Google Image search for “sideways smile,” this was the result:

Conclusion? No one does whatever it is that person is doing, nor does anyone turn their head sideways to smile. That’s like saying, “You know you’re living in 2008 when you say “Caps Lock” before you start yelling.” Actually, I think that’s a great idea.

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

This is the most annoying aspect of forwards. They tell you what you’re doing and they’re always wrong. I’m not laughing. In fact, I’m frustrated and angered by just having read that. Let me turn my face sideways to frown.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

Well, that’s correct. No one.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

You got me! And it’s all due to the technological stresses of 2008! Had someone forwarded me a stone tablet 3000 years ago, I would have definitely caught it. I’m sure it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I could give a crap.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

Crap.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Email forwards top my list of pet peeves because I’m can’t imaging who’s typing them. If I’m making fun of forwards, what type of person would make forwards? Someone who’s the opposite of me? These people? Without a doubt, someone I would hate. Probably someone named Rosemary.

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The University of Central Florida (UCF) offers 3 undergraduate degrees in film:

1. B.F.A. in Production
2. B.A. in World Cinema
3. B.A. in Cinema Studies

The Production and World Cinema degrees are limited access programs, which means that students must submit a portfolio showcasing varied knowledge and creativity in order to be accepted. Production focuses on narrative film while the World Cinema focuses on documentary film. Cinema Studies is not a limited access program and is open to anyone who wants to pursue a major focusing on the history, theory, and criticism of film.

As a student in the Production program, I’m required to take courses focusing on production, e.g. directing, editing, producing, as well as some introductory Cinema Studies courses. The curriculum is designed to teach a Production student various aspects of film.

In our final year in school, we’re required to produce, direct, or photograph a film project called a capstone.

Capstones, the word literally meaning “crowing achievement,” are the most involved films we undertake in school. While that’s not a requirement, it’s typical to invest the most time, money, and energy into one’s last film school film. For many of us, it’s the last project we’ll direct, produce, or photograph for some time as we each go our separate ways, trying to find out where we want to apply our education. I plan to move to Los Angeles, California and pursue a career in film production.

My friend and classmate Marco Cordero just finished directing his Capstone yesterday entitled Sasquatch with Muscles. During the shoot, I helped his producer/deity Michelle Roca with organizing and planning the day-to-day activities on set. My role on the project was “Production Manager,” though Michelle’s role as a student film Producer encompasses more of the real duties of a Production Manager. Michelle and I decided early on that my role on Marco’s film would be more of an assistant to Michelle, trying to make her job easier by doing the small but numerous tasks that quickly accumulate on set. Often times I’d steal her phone and make sure that all her text messages, voice mails, and production-related emails were responded to so that she could concentrate on more important issues like making ridiculous comments call sheets.

Students help other students on set without any monetary compensation.

On a good set like Marco’s, there’s a person that’s in charge of Craft Services, i.e., food. Food is the student equivalent to a paycheck. The better the food, the happier and more productive the crew. Craft Services is a hard position to fill on a student film shoot because you have to find someone who’s willing to do it but also someone who is talented and intelligent enough to get the job done. Michelle did just that by selecting her friend Nils Taranger. In fact, he was in charge of my capstone’s Craft Services and did an equally wonderful job. I think it’s time for a promotion.

Another form of compensation on set is networking. Working on someone else’s set is the best way to make friends and recruit people to work on your projects when it comes time. This is undoubtedly the most important thing to do while in film school. I wish I could have done more of this over the past few years, but having a part-time job makes this difficult.

Everyone on Marco’s set seemed to work together in a professional and intelligent way. When problems arose, so did people to take care of them. It was an educational experience too, as I would ask Marco many questions in an effort to steal his brain.

We have one more Capstone class this Wednesday before winter break begins.

I’m currently editing the investigative-report-inspired capstone that I directed earlier this semester entitled The Exposition Report. Over the break I plan on watching a lot of investigative reports (20/20, Dateline, etc.) in an effort to improve the style and pacing of my film. In the Spring, we’ll focus on this as we move into the post-production portion of our class.

One more semester of college and then the real world begins. I’d say I’m not ready for it, but I also remember not being ready for college (and high school, and middle school, and dressing in regular clothes instead of Batman costumes). I think I’ll do just fine.

Questions? Comments? There’s a nifty section for those things below! Leave them and I’ll respond as soon as I can.

And if you enjoyed reading about my on-set experience and UCF film school confessions, be sure to subscribe to my RSS feed or my instant email updates so you’re always up to date.

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I do ask that you do not email me asking how to perfect the “yummy tummy crummy will not crummy” part of the recipe. This part is luck, most of the time, and absolutely can not be taught.

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Not sure if you are one of these people?

Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements that apply to you.

1. I often raise my hand in class when a teacher asks a question. When the teacher calls on me, I answer the question and then proceed to share a detailed experience that relates in no way to the original question or even my answer.
2. I often speak for 5 minutes at a time when I could have spoken for 20 to 30 seconds and relayed the exact same thought.
3. I frequently and inappropriately shout one-liners during class when the teacher or other students say something. People ignore my one-liners and continue speaking as though I wasn’t even there. I’m okay with this.
4. I’m early to class. Too early.
5. Despite some of my more awkward characteristics, I’m actually quite knowledgeable on a range of topics. No one cares.
6. Something about my physical appearance is extremely awkward. But I have complete control over this, e.g., absurd hair, bizarre shoes, I look uncomfortably like Jesus Christ, etc. I’m okay with this.
7. I’m constantly in a good mood, which makes people frequently wonder if I’m mentally unstable is some way.

Let’s take a look at how you did.

Remember, give yourself 1 point for every statement that applies to you.

• 0 points: You’re in the clear.
• 1-8 points: I’m sorry, but you are one of these people.

These people are everywhere.

I knew these people in high school, and I definitely know these people in college. There are 3 of them in my Monday night class. And while I can’t say for sure, I’m willing to bet that these people are in the real world, too. They have monthly meetings where they discuss the most effective ways to blow my mind. There’s no other way to explain how good they are at it.

The experience of first encountering a person like this is always the same.

It begins with them doing or saying something so incredibly ridiculous (stupid) that you are immediately annoyed and feel as though you need to end them (what’s Dexter’s phone number?). Every time they speak you take a deep breath, look down at your desk, and wish the teacher would just ask them to leave because you know they’re just as angry as you are but they don’t have tenure so they can’t say anything because they’re surely not going to be fired over this person are they STILL TALKING?

But after while, their annoyances turn into sheer confusion. Those same comments that once caused you such frustration now make you think, “Is this person real? Are they really saying this? Do they really think they’re… are … I don’t … is this person real?” It’s right about this time when other people have started to notice this person also. By now, you’re comfortable enough to scan the room to see who else is aware of this. Once you find someone else, it’s a quick moment in which you lock eyes, squint slightly, and then smile. This moment is amazing because (A), you’ve released your pent-up anger and confusion with another person and (B), that person is your new best friend because there is no single characteristic that brings two people together more than who annoys them.

It’s at this point that these people are now known by more than just a few people. Everyone knows about them. They’re celebrities. You always refer to them by first and last name. Sometimes you don’t know how to say their last name, but you pronounce it anyway, because it’s not about knowing real details, it’s about being able to identify them to other people so you can share your experiences and laugh hysterically. Often times you’ll encounter new people that are at various points of their own discovery of these people. They’ll ask you, “How can you stand them? They’re incredibly ridiculous.”

This is where you smile and finally realize just how necessary these people are.

Where there was once anger and confusion there is now envy, and possbily even some slight admiration. By now, it’s no longer about whether or not these people are real. At this point, all you can think about it how long it’ll be until you meet the next one.

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I’ve often wondered what life would be like if it were a musical. For most people, I think the magic would wear off within about two hours or so (about the average length of a musical). No doubt I could go for a full week. Easy.

That’s why I was filled with happiness when I came across this video called Food Court Musical. This is from the Improv Everywhere web-site:

For our latest mission, 16 agents staged a spontaneous musical in the food court of a Los Angeles shopping mall. We used wireless microphones to amplify the vocal performances and mix them together with the music through the mall’s PA system. We filmed the mission with hidden cameras, mostly behind two-way mirrors. Apart from our performers, no one in the food court was aware of what was happening. Enjoy the video first and then go behind the scenes with our report below.

Check out the actual video below. I’m still wondering what my reaction would be if I were sitting in that food court. Thoughts?

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And I think it’s pretty obvious as to why Obama won the presidency:

During the years that George W. Bush was the real president, David Palmer (pictured above) was the fictional president on the television show 24.

Obama certainly owes Dennis Haysbert, the actor who played David Palmer, many thanks. Even Haysbert himself believes that his fictional presidency had an effect on the American public. “As far as the public is concerned,” Haysbert said, “it did open up their minds and their hearts a little bit to the notion that if the right man came along… that a black man could be president of the United States.”

Honestly, I’d rather have the actor Dennis Haysbert pretending to be David Palmer as president over George W. Bush. But if I can’t have David Palmer, Barack Obama will do just fine.

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One detail that I love about the show is that every time Dexter murders someone, he wears the same shirt. I call it the kill shirt for obvious reasons, though other websites refer to it as the combat shirt, kill uniform, kill outfit, etc. While there isn’t any official name for it, it looks like this:

This is the shirt that Dexter wears each time he ventures out to kill someone. And that’s Dexter wearing it.

Alternate title for this blog post: What do absentee ballots and the Dexter kill shirt have in common? They’re both in the mail.

That’s right—it’s election day. And yes—I just ordered the Dexter kill shirt. Okay, I admit, I have my own unique priorities in life. Sure, voting is important. But I think owning a kill shirt is equally more important.

I plan on wearing mine only when I’m angry. Eventually, people will notice this and talk about it when I’m not around. “You ever notice that Jesse wears the same shirt when he’s angry?” I realize that this plan may take years for people to catch on. And I’m okay with that.

If you plan on purchasing a kill shirt, don’t be fooled by those loose-fitting knock-offs.

This is a loose-fitting, cheap imitation kill shirt. More importantly, what sort of serial killer would print his name on his sleeve? The type that gets caught and goes to jail. This kill shirt is for amateurs.

The true kill shirt connoisseur will notice how the fitted style accentuates the figure, making it a perfect Halloween costume, conversation piece, or, I suppose, a nice warm shirt during the winter season.

This style of shirt is called a Henley (as opposed to a polo, a t-shirt, etc.) It’s a similar type of material to that of Long Johns thermal wear. For anyone wanting to know where they can order their very own kill shirt, check out this American Apparel Dexter Kill Shirt on Amazon. It’s the closest one that I’ve found. And I’ve spent way more hours searching than necessary or reasonable.

I can’t wait to get it in the mail and yes, I’ll take a picture of me wearing the shirt and use it as my new facebook photo. But only because you asked.

Do you plan on ordering a kill shirt? Leave a comment and let me know that I’ve given you the best Christmas yet.

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That’s right. I found this year’s contest winner, and then I decided to have a contest.

I know. It’s backward. Typically, people hold a contest and then select a winner. But we all know what they say about being typical. Pinch a penny and it’s worth a thousand king’s horses.

This year’s Halloween dress-up theme: Jesse Chapman (apparently…?)

Thanks to my friend Michelle for sending me this great picture (and in turn, creating the contest and choosing the winner).

Pictured above is this year's winner for the Jesse Chapman look-a-like costume contest (a contest that no one told me about until afterward—and that's just rude).

All future contestants are now required to attend a one hour hair training session.

Other than that, I don’t really have many suggestions. This year’s winner certainly took me by surprise! And to everyone else who submitted entries but didn’t win (zero), good luck next year!

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