Okay, that’s a complete lie. Let me start that over.

Answering phones at a major electronics retailer is mostly boring.

That’s much more accurate. But my job is often unintentionally entertaining.

“Sales Operator” is fancy-talk for “I answer the phone.” While my day-to-day responsibilities vary slightly, that’s essential all I do. I also throw away drinks if people leave them at my workstation. And no, “I have no idea what happened to your Sprite.”

I’ve been working as a Sales Operator for almost a year now. During that time, I’ve realized that there are essentially 5 different types of customers that call in. I’ll illustrate those customer types by sharing my favorite recent customer calls.

Customer type #5: The “Nintendo Wii is always out of stock but I’ll call anyway” customer

Customer: Do you have any Wiis in stock?
Jesse: No.
Customer: Do you know when you’re going to be getting any more in?
Jesse: No.
Customer: Can you check other stores?
Jesse: They’re sold out, also.
Customer: Well, they’re a pretty popular item, aren’t they?
Jesse: Yes. Yes they are.
Customer: Alright, well, thank you.

That customer type accounts for 90% of my calls. Word for word. Just like that. Those calls take me less than 15 seconds. Most of my co-workers hate stupid/angry customers. I love them. Why? Because they’re not asking about Nintendo Wiis. They’re being stupid/angry. It’s refreshing.

Customer type #4: The “I’m being stupid/angry” customer

Customer: Oh, so someone’s actually answering the phones?
Jesse: Yes.
Customer: Well.
Jesse: [I don't say anything]
Customer: Hello?
Jesse: Hello?
Customer: I thought I lost you.
Jesse: No. No, I’m still here.

It’s these types of customers that really just confuse the hell out of me. Why are you calling? To complain that no one’s answering the phones? Clearly someone is or you wouldn’t be talking to me. I’m going to just start responding, “No, no one’s answering the phones. Can I help you with anything else?”

Category #3: The “I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I’ll sure make it seem like I do” customer.

Customer: Hi, I’m looking online here at the advertisement for tomorrow that’s showing that you have an HP laptop for sale. I wanted to know if you had that in stock.
Jesse: Okay. Wait, you’re looking at the ad for next week?
Customer: Yes.
Jesse: What site are you on?
Customer: Bestbuy.com.
Jesse: That ad isn’t available online until the actual day it comes out, which is tomorrow.
Customer: No sir, that’s not correct. I can tell you that I’m looking at it right now, Sunday, August 17th. You’re probably looking at the wrong screen.
Jesse: Tomorrow is the 24th, not the 17th. You’re looking at this week’s ad.
Customer: What? Tomorrow’s the 24th?
Jesse: Yes.
Customer: Oh. Thanks.

These type of customers are probably my favorite. They speak down to me with such assurance that they know what’s going on, as though I just started working here moments before answering their call. Jokes on them. Stop calling me.

Customer type #2: The “there is no such thing as a stupid question” customer.

Customer: Who makes Xbox 360? Macintosh, right?
Jesse: Microsoft.
Customer: Well, then who makes Apple?
Jesse: Macintosh.
Customer: You’re kidding.
Jesse: No.
Customer: Okay, thanks.

Some customers customers don’t need to check for products, they don’t need to know what time we close, they just need to ask random (stupid) questions. I can’t tell you how many times customers have called asking, “Can you transfer me to electronics?” You’re calling an electronics retailer. Everything is electronics. I wish I could transfer them to Publix.

Customer type #1: The “Hi, my name is [customer says their first and last name, like they're a celebrity or someone I should know]. I have a long story that’s completely unrelated to the actual reason why I’m calling, but I’ve got some time to kill, so, here goes” customer.

That pretty much sums it up. It happens all the time. “Hi, this is Kathy Johnson, and a few years back I bought a TV from you guys and we love THE WEST WING, my husband and I, well, not so much my husband anymore if you know what I mean [customer laughs hysterically].” No offense, Kathy, but I just don’t give a damn.

Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone how much I secretly enjoy my job. It’s the unintentionally entertaining calls that make it enjoyable. For some reason, there’s really no shortage of customers calling in to ask if they can speak to “the router guy,” or ask “how do you spell Wal-Mart?”